Mutual Understanding
In every dialogue, we shift between the roles of speaker and listener. Often what’s problematic is that we have two speakers, or two people trying to be heard, and no one present to listen; this decreases the likelihood of true understanding. We want to be intentional about which role we’re in and what that entails. Everyone will have the opportunity to step into the role of both listener and speaker.
Let’s explore these two roles:
Speaker:
Speak about yourself. How did this impact you?
Use feelings and needs to express what matters to you.
It will be easier for the listener to hear what’s important to you if you leave off judgments, analysis, and opinions about their behavior, and stay focused on what matters for you surrounding this incident.
Listener:
Put aside opinions, explanations, corrections to hear what it's like from inside the speaker’s perspective.
Listen for the speaker’s dream, what they’re wanting, what matters to them, what they value and why.
Hold yourself with compassion. You may hear things you disagree with. You may even hear you had impact on someone, which was likely not your intention.
Speaker, what do you want known about where you are right now in relation to what happened?
If you are using zoom, you can click out of screen share until this expression is complete or keep this page up to access above info about your role.
Listener, thank you for your patience, your presence, and the taking in of this information. Soon, we will hear your perspective.
First, it is time to reflect or recap what you heard the speaker share. What’s important to them? What are their dreams, needs, values? Can you hear their needs or longings that are universal, that we all share?
Please express these dreams, needs, values as a guess: “It sounds like you…” “I’m guessing you…." “Is it true that…..?”
After your reflection, check in with the speaker: “Was that accurate?” “Did I get that right?” “Does that resonate?”
And, finally, check in to see if complete understanding has taken place. “Is that complete, or is there more?”
If there is more, repeat the steps above, starting with, “Speaker, what else do you want known about where you are right now in relation to what happened?”
When the speaker feels fully heard and understood and ready to hear what was going on for the other person, click the button below:
Other options: take a break and come back to this when expresser has full capacity to take in the other person’s perspective.