Examples of Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests:

Observation mixed with Evaluation:

1. Jeffrey’s text basically said: I’m outta here and you’re on your own.

2. You’re totally racist.

3. You left me hanging when you didn’t reply to my numerous emails.

Pure Observation:

1. Jeffrey’s text said, “I am cancelling the project and returning all the supplies.”

2. You told our client, a man of color, that he was “playing the race card.”

3. I sent 3 emails over the last 2 weeks of January about the magazine edits and didn’t receive a reply.

Thoughts masquerading as Feelings:

  1. I feel that Jeffrey dropped our project without warning.

  2. I feel that you don’t understand your white privilege.

  3. I feel abandoned.

True Feelings:

  1. I felt surprised and upset.

  2. I feel deeply concerned and anxious.

  3. I feel quite worried.

 

Pure needs:

  1. Clarity.

  2. Compassion, Awareness, Peace of Mind

  3. Integrity, Competence

Observation, Feeling and Contextualized needs (highlighted in black):

  1. When I got Jeffrey’s text that said, “I am cancelling the project and returning all the supplies, I felt surprised and upset, and I’d love some clarity about what happened for him.

  2. When you told our client, a man of color, that he was “playing the race card,” I felt deeply concerned and anxious. I want our clients to know their experiences of racism matter, that they’re believed, and for them to receive some empathy for concerns they bring. This would give me peace of mind.

  3. I sent 3 emails over the last 2 weeks of January about the magazine edits and didn’t receive a reply. I feel quite worried because getting our product out into the word as error-free as possible is important for my sense of integrity and competence.

Demands: Requests:

 

  1. Jeffrey, if you can’t communicate with me, you can forget this project.

  2. You need some education on your white privilege.

  3. You need to get back to me within 24 hours of sending you an email.

  1. Can you help me understand what led to you canceling this project?

  2. Are you open to brainstorming other responses you could have given our client that would have helped him feel seen for his experience?

  3. What do you think about developing some agreements that guide the timing of editing the magazine?